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Alfs 2:06 Sun Apr 4
View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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View from the Opposition – Wolves
This was carried out over the phone and then edited, hence the different format.
This is strictly for use on WHO only and no part of this interview may be reproduced
Our fan from the opposition today is Eric, who has been a Wolves fan for over 70 years. He describes himself as ‘a bloke with little talent who got incredibly lucky, about a dozen times.’
Me – So, Eric, you were born and brought up not too far from Sunderland. How did you end up supporting Wolves?
Eric – Indeed I was, but father did what any loving father did back then and sent me to school 160 miles away, in Wolverhampton. He was also a cheapskate and wouldn’t pay for me to board, so it was a hell of a walk each day.
Saturday afternoons was all about rugby, a sport that I wasn’t or ever will be physically built for. So they had to find something to do with the, let’s say, athletically challenged. And that responsibility was given to Mr Lenny, our overzealous RI teacher.
His passion for Christianity (there was no other religion in 1950, according to our educators) was matched by his love for WW. So whenever Wolves were playing at home, he’d put us all in a minibus and take us to the game.
Me – Manuel would like to know, did he ever touch you inappropriately, and if so, was it nice?
Eric (laughing) Unfortunately, no. He was quite a dish and knew how to carry a bible.
From the first game, which was against Charlton, we lost 4 – 3 I think, I was hooked. We always seemed to be mid table but then, when I was maybe ten or eleven, we had a season beyond hope, prayer, or reason, and then went on to win three titles in five years. Imagine that. (laughs).
Sorry, you couldn’t possibly, it’s something that your club have never been close to achieving in its entire existence.
Me – You’re my guest so I shan’t be rude. On to some morequestions. Mike Oxsaw asks ‘If Wolves didn't exist, which local team would you follow’?
Eric – I’m not sure that I understand the question. If Wolves didn’t exist, we’d be in a different universe. What else would have changed, would football even exist?
Me – You could have said Villa just to give the bloke an answer. Moving on then. Whu4eva would like to know. ‘After your 2020 season did you anticipate struggling this year / not kicking on?’
.
Eric – I’m not surprised. When you’re new to the league every game is like a cup final, but that fades after a while. The loss of Jimenez has been significant and has probably cost us six points or more.
We’ve come a long way in a few years and the time is for consolidation. Football as a business is at a volatile time. Besides, Nuno will find us another maestro he discovered on an Algarve beach.
Me – Why does he crouch on the touch line like that?
Eric – He’s not crouching, he’s sitting on his invisible space hopper.
Me – Okay, next question is from Mex Martillio. - Why are you called Wanderers?
Eric – I know this, I think. Something to do with merging with a cricket club called Wanderers?
Me – Correct. Coffee asks, Derek Dougan or Steve Bull?
Eric – Oh, the Doog. He was my Clint Eastwood. I was often bullied at school so volatile personalities that have that dangerous edge; I find weirdly attractive. Not in the sexual sense, of course. If I’d had Doogs as a friend at school, it would have been a walk in the park.
I met him a few times and whenever I shook his hand a little wee escaped. I could blame it on age, but I was in my 20s the first time it happened. His moustache could take out two players.
I’m still convinced to this day that Robocop is based on Derek Dougan.
Steve Bull is a legend, of course. He dragged us back from the lower leagues to respectability almost singlehandedly. But Doogs shades it for me.
Me - How often do you buy jars of Traore baby oil for your missus to rub into you, asks Chajonbubble?
Eric –. I suspected you Hammer's were homoerotic but had no idea you were so open about it.
Well, Chajonbubble, If she started rubbing oil on me, I’ll be correctly thinking that I’m going to be served as the family roast the following day, probably with apple sauce. We taste very similar to pork, apparently.
Me - Would you say that the club’s ethos is to play direct, fast football and offer fans good value for money, asks Moncur’s Putting Iron?
Eric – Football is an entertainment, a quite expensive one to watch live, nowadays, Covid aside.
There was a time where Opera and Ballet were only for the elite, and now football has joined that. That’s incredibly sad. The irony is opera and ballet are becoming more accessible.
Yes, keep it entertaining above all. What’s the point otherwise?
Me – Branded asks ‘Do you long to see a decent English player in a Wolves shirt’?
Eric – Most definitely. Not necessarily English, but certainly, British. As xenophobic as that may sound, and I really don’t give a fuck anymore, I used to love seeing the youngsters come through. We need to learn from clubs like yours, to steal world class talent from Chelsea’s academy.
Good to see a Wolves player in an England shirt though. It's been some time.
Me – What would you give to have Rice in your team?
Eric – Maybe an organ or two. You’d need to speak to my people, I have very few working one’s left.
Me – Vexed asks ‘Is the stockpiling of fairly average dagos not quite good enough to play anywhere else a conscious effort or is it this a symptom of having a fairly average dago manager that's probably not quite good enough to manage a better club?’
Eric – Raul Jimenez would walk into most teams, including West Ham. Then Neves, Neto, Silva, Patricio. If they’re average, I’ll take a few more.
Me - Glen Roeder would like to know why Wolves fans sound so stupid when they talk?
Eric – No offence intended, Mr Roeder, but unlike you, they still can. Oh, that was cruel! Cut that.
I agree, it’s an abominable accent, and it’s why the locals are known as Yam Yams. Y'am going to the pub, etc. But it’s the accent of so many that stood around me as I grew up watching the club. So though aurally, it can grate sometimes, I’ve grown to love it.
Me - This is from Pub Bigot.
Eric – I’ve met a few of those. I remember one in particular, telling John and I that if we wanted to make it big, we should learn from The Goodies.
Me – They were fucking brilliant!
Eric – I left myself open for that one.
Me – Pub Bigot asks ‘It's an exciting time to be a Wolves fan. You're doing well since your return to the Premier League, play easy on the eye football, and while this season has seemed like you've taken a step back, it looks like the club will continue to progress.
So, what does future success look like at Molineux?
Eric – I gave up on thinking about future successes decades ago. The club has been a shameless cock tease over the years, promising much, then failing to come up with the goods. In a few years we’re as likely to be playing Yeovil as Barcelona.
Me – What’s your take on West Ham as a club.
Eric – Struggling for an identity, is the impression I get. I was at your place when we won our 1st game back in the Prem. Before the game I wasn’t sure whether I was about to watch football or baseball. At your old ground you’d be close enough to smell the players sweat, I could barely see them, and I was in the expensive seats.
Mixing the corporate world with a working-class sport doesn’t sit comfortably, though they feed off each other so it’s here to stay, I’m afraid.
But popcorn at a football match. I know the mark up is 1,000%, but its like sending a Mr Whippy to a fucking funeral.
Me – What’s your favourite crisps?
Eric – Brannigans beef and mustard with a pint of cider. I’ve already booked a table at my local for the 12th and the wait is killing me.
Me – And I can’t let you go without asking you what your favourite Monty Python sketch is?
Eric – I’m asked this a lot, of course. It’s hard to choose one as I’m very proud of so many. We have done it as a sketch in our stage shows but it actually comes from Holy Grail. The Tis but a scratch scene. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmInkxbvlCs).
The film had no budget to speak of, so the make-up and costume department exceeded themselves that day. It also helps that I wasn’t in it so could just enjoy it for what it was.
Me – Favourite comedian?
Eric – God, that is tough. Ever or presently?
Me – Ever.
Eric – Can it be a group rather than individual?
Me – Yes, but you can’t say Monty Python.
Eric – Oh, they’re well down the list. The Marx Brothers. Some of the writing was years ahead of its time. I don’t recall the name of the film as my brain decays by the day. Duck Soup! Hah!
The Marx brothers were trapped in in the middle of a war zone and getting bombed. Harpo gets on the radio and says “There’s three men and a woman trapped in a building, please send help. If you can’t send help, send two more women!”.
I don’t tell it well but what a line.
Though you’d probably be sacrificed by the social media gods if you were to write it nowadays. It’s a shame that, as what I see as taking the piss out of each other’s differences, is being diluted. But that’s another debate.
Me – Prediction?
Eric – 2 – 1 to us. An oiled up Traore with a late winner.
Me - Thank you very much for your time this evening.
Eric – You’re welcome. You mentioned a fee?
Me – How about I cover your bar bill on the 12th?
Eric – A free lunch. I may do more of these.
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
Lily Hammer
2:28 Mon Apr 5
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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I completely forgot Alf’s said it would be some kind of celebrity, so when I read this the other day, I just thought it was some old bloke from the north east who chose to support Wolves, which I suppose it was, but still.
Only just cottoned on.
That was a real coup, Alf’s. Bravo!
Didn’t Jason Roberts give the West Ham fans a little pre-agreed wave just before kick off to prove it really was him who had done the view from the opposition?
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Come On You Irons
9:54 Mon Apr 5
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Alfs is a well known bullshitter, that's for sure
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Mex Martillo
9:39 Mon Apr 5
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But Alfs, you deny being well known?
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Alfs
3:08 Mon Apr 5
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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I wish, Sven. As awful as it is, it's made Miranda Hart millions.
Leonard, I asked all of the questions put forward. Yours got the response 'next', I'm afraid, as did some others.
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Sven Roeder
9:31 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Alfs has often mentioned on here his connection to tv comedy.
What he has been too modest to mention is that he is in fact the award winning MIRANDA.
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Kaiser Zoso
9:21 Sun Apr 4
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Wasn't really current
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Leonard Hatred
9:08 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Alfs
Why did you ignore my question asking would you get an electric shock if you stuck the end of a phone charger up your arse and plugged it in?
You CUNT.
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duffster
8:53 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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fuck me alfs! he even mentioned the yam yams! gutted to be ignored again , and to a proper legend too. But well done for getting him . he's a dude.
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Far Cough
8:09 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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SOH, on a side note the McManus family adopted Brian Connolly, later of 1970s glam rock band The Sweet
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Side of Ham
7:57 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Taggart always got on my nerves mentioning LoTR in every fucking episode......
....”Boss there’s been a Mordor”
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Spandex Sidney
7:35 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Well done Alf's, that's brilliant!
Have you published it elsewhere? I'd like to show Some non WHU mates and I'm not gonna rip it off. And the miserable cunts won't come here because they think everyone here is a bit of a cunt.
Which they kind of are but that's beside the point!
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Nurse Ratched
7:17 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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"Fëanor the Noldo had seven sons"
Let me guess: were they, perchance, named Lëanor, Tëanor, Mëanor, Bëanor, Këanor, Dëanor and Sëanor?
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Mike Oxsaw
7:06 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, but could they issue invoices?
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Hammer and Pickle
7:03 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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There are a lot of things about Tolkien’s universe apart from talking trees. I mean, there was no sun and moon in the First Age only two glowing trees. Also, given the elves like to reproduce like rabbits (Fëanor the Noldo had seven sons) and were immortal, the demographics of Valinor, where they were all supposed to end up, leave me feeling distinctly uneasy.
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chajonbubble
6:49 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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First time I've ever summary submitted a question for one of these, and a comic genius references it in his score prediction. Maybe I should stop submitting them now, not sure I can top that,
of course his prediction is wrong, but other than that very entertaining.
Must have been a really fun phone call to do!
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Darlo Debs
6:19 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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I got a rollocking off a teacher for being ungrateful, my crime? I fell asleep during an animated version of LoTR which they put on as a bit of an Xmas treat.
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Mike Oxsaw
6:19 Sun Apr 4
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, but MY MGB.
Would have shown Shadowfax how to get somewhere in a hurry and no mistake.
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Nurse Ratched
6:16 Sun Apr 4
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* cave trolls and talking trees.
And for what it's worth, I was fully appreciative of his trouser snake. I'll give him that.
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Nurse Ratched
6:13 Sun Apr 4
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But it's NOT a song about Middle Earth. It's a song about a bloke who doesn't want to outstay his welcome and hang around, because he has wild oats to sow and eventually wants to settle down with a suitable female. No mention of elves or goblins or dragons. All sensible so far. Then, Wallop! Fucking Gollum. It doesn't sit well with me.
If he'd wanted to sing a song about about Middle Earth, as risible as I would consider that to be, I would be fully supportive. So long as he didn't first lull me into a false sense of security before whacking me round the ears with his faerie maidens, dwarfs and giant eagles who, for some reason, are perfectly capable of rescuing Hobbits from a burning and disintegrating Mount Doom and flying them off to Elf Hospitalto recover, but nobody thought to ask them to fly the Hobbits to the mountain in the first fucking place, thereby bypassing a load of boring mini-dilemmas with cave trolls talking trees, and costing the lives of hundreds of thousands in, it turns out, completely unnecessary battles.
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Mike Oxsaw
6:01 Sun Apr 4
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Robert Plant was mightily impressed by my MGB when I stopped and asked him for directions once.
Sadly for the losers on here, he didn't tell me to "Fuck off and die", but took great pains to describe the route I should take to where I was trying to reach.
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fraser
5:57 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves, away
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Iron Duke 5:53 Sun Apr 4
Re: View from the opposition - Wolves,
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